Hola! It is yet again another great Thursday! Hope you all are having a fabulous day!  Today’s blog idea comes from my friend Sarah.  Sarah wants to know  “can you be friends with an ex?”  Sarah, surprisingly you are not alone in the quest for what I thought would be a simple answer. Boy was I wrong! It turns out there are many factors that contribute to this question.

Determining factors may include, who broke up with whom, did someone cheat, how long the relationship lasted, did it end on good or bad terms and how long is the restraining order for?  I’m just saying.   Breakups are a scary thing for everyone involved.  When we invest time, energy and emotions into a relationship and it doesn’t work out, very often the person who got dumped is left with a feeling of rejection.  It is very rare that both parties involved decide to mutually break up at the same time but if this is the case and the feelings are mutual, I see nothing wrong with being friends as long as there are no loose ends to tie up.

When deciding if you want to be friends with your ex, ask yourself a few simple questions.  First, “WHY do I want to be friends with my ex?”  Sometimes it’s a comfort thing and you can’t bare the thought of not seeing that person anymore.  If you are the dumper it may be easier for you to be friends with your ex because you broke it off in the first place and somewhere inside, you have already moved on.  You don’t feel like the bad guy if you say, “we can still be friends!” Save it!  Those words are the kiss of death. After a breakup the dumpee will need time to heal before jumping into a friendship… and rightly so.  If you are the dumpee every time you receive a friendly, “let’s get coffee” text, you are constantly reminded of the person that ripped your heart out and only wants to be your “friend”.  For most of us this feeling is all too familiar.

Another question to ask yourself is, “Do I still have feelings for this person?” Again this question would be for the dumpee.  It’s obvious that the dumper may not have the same feelings for you because they ended the relationship in the first place.  If the answer is yes, you do have feelings for that person still, save yourself a lot of heartbreak and move on.  You are only prolonging the healing process.  I know it’s hard sometimes to totally cut someone off, but in the end you will be happy that you did.  It’s the perfect time to figure out who YOU are when you are no longer a “WE”.  I’m sure the other person will understand as well; if they care about your feelings and YOUR healing process.  It doesn’t mean it will be forever, just for now.

If you need help getting rid of that ex for a little bit follow these simple rules:

  1. DELETE HIS/ HER NUMBER!!!!!!!!!  I know, this is a hard one but it’s for your own good.  No one likes that drunken 4 a.m. call where you’re pouring your heart out to the person that broke it off.  Have some dignity. You will feel better in the a.m. that you saved yourself from more embarrassment and humiliation.
  2. Make a list of the five most irritating qualities about that person and keep it in your wallet or purse.  Every time you have the urge to call them pull out that paper.  It will remind you of how much they suck!  Calling them shouldn’t be a problem cause you ALREADY DELETED their number.  Right?  LOL!  If you absolutely can’t deal with not having their number, write it down on a piece of paper and give to one of your friends for safe keeping and then delete it out of your phone.
  3. Last but not least, START A JOURNAL; (guys you don’t have to tell anyone, it will be our little secret).  I know this always sounds like the right thing to do but saying it and doing it are two different things.  Make the time, sit down and get those icky feelings out!!  You will not get anywhere if you hold everything in.  It even helps if you write a letter to the person who hurt you.  You don’t have to send it, just by writing it; it will feel like you actually are talking to that person.

Ok, so we have established some ways to get rid of your ex so now let’s talk about things you should be aware of if you decide to be friends with your ex. First, you have to decide what kind of friendship you will have. Will you be the “occasional coffee date” or will you be “best buds” who tell each other everything or “drinking buddies?’ On a side note, just ‘cause the relationship ended doesn’t mean the attraction is gone. Be very careful if you decide to do the whole “friends with benefits” thing. That never works and someone ALWAYS ends up hurt.

If you decide to be friends with an ex, it is important that the first relationship, (as lovers), is completely over before the second relationship, (friends), can begin.  Also make sure you are not shutting out future prospects because you are so comfortable being friends with your ex.

At the end of the day, each and every one of us has a different and unique relationship. What works for one couple may not work for another couple. No one has the right to judge or tell you how to be in your relationship. With that being said a good rule of thumb is, “Are you happy with the friendship?”. If having your ex as a friend adds joy to your life, then I say keep ‘em.  If you end up in tears most of the time, I’d say it’s time to find a new friend.

That about does it for this week. Take care! 😉